Berlin has (suddenly and without being asked) declared its independence. Everyone is asking, “Aren’t you broke (and notoriously bad at self-control)? How do you plan to pull this off?” Here are a few thoughts on how Berlin could make it as a city-state.
Berlin independent? This is what “Berxit” would look like
Purely in demographic terms, we’d be a force to be reckoned with. With a population of just over 3.8 million, we outnumber European neighbors like Lithuania, Slovenia, and Iceland. (Not to mention 130,000 dogs that we could train to steal potatoes in Brandenburg.)
And diplomatically, we’d probably be right at the very, very front of the pack. People from over 190 nations live in our city. The official language of the new state could be a mix of slang, techno-Denglish, Turkish, and Spanish.
So, generally speaking, we have enough people to build a thriving single market! Provided, of course, that the population manages to get out of the club on time between Thursday and Monday…
Gastronomically self-sufficient
Statistically speaking, we polish off 400,000 döner kebabs a day. So our 1,600 döner shops could be declared the official national cuisine. On top of that, 70 million currywurst sausages change hands at the counter every year.
Since that’s pretty meat-heavy, maybe a vegan alternative? How about a Berlin-shaped piece of tofu or a bear paw made of seitan?
Thoughts on National Defense: Berlin as a Naval Power
Admittedly, a new territory like this would also need to be defended, but as a nation we’d probably lean toward pacifism (except when it comes to landlords). Here’s the idea: The Republic of Berlin will become an absolute maritime power. (With over 900 bridges, we’d leave Venice—with its laughable 400 bridges—far behind.)
Our waterways are certainly sufficient to strategically station a fleet of pedal boats and party rafts on the Spree and the Landwehr Canal.
The little problem with finances
Without the involuntary generosity of Bavaria and Baden-Württemberg, we’d probably have to finance our state budget through a drastic tax on mate and oat milk. Because with a mountain of debt totaling 60 billion euros, we’d be starting our independence with over 15,000 euros in the red per person.
Bottom line 👇👇
We’d be a bankrupt, kebab-fueled city-state with a massive pedal boat infrastructure and a nightlife that attracts more tourists than many an EU country.
How long the “Berlin Home Alone” scenario will hold up is another question. Maybe we need the rest of Germany for more than just the occasional “Mama’s five” to go out. We offer authentic coolness, and all we ask in return is a little freedom!
